Okay so I have managed to go out of the house and not get angry but I am still not enthusiastic about personal relationships that happen in NYC. I can't really go into detail but I can only say that after 14 years of living here, I have tried all that I can.
I have tried dressing nicer for friends that need fancy clothes. I have tried to talk less. I have tried to consider people's belief systems and not immediately share my own. I have tried to invite people over for dinner. I have tried to invite people to events. I have always tried to make everyone feel welcome and not favor any one type of person. I have been myself and been rejected. It's wierd really the whole thing. But you know what right now I have a decision to make and in reality I have already made the decision in action.
I would rather be alone or with a few chosen people that have a ton of people around. I have found that for some mysterious reason the ability to juggle a million things gets a bit more difficult when you are old. It's not like I am ancient but for some reason I am doing better concentrating on only one thing right now, instead of trying to concentrate on a million things and the same goes for people.
I have noticed that I am very picky about my friends and I really only let a few people in. The reason I think is when people get close to you, they know you very well and unfortunately I have seen people use that information against you in strange ways. I have noticed women in their incessant jealous and caddy ways, accuse me of things I couldn't even imagine.
People constantly tell me that I am naive, that I am too pure in my thinking, that I want to save the world and they constantly say this as if it is something bad. The truth is, yes I have lived and I have chosen to be sheltered. I like the idea I don't seek out disgusting movies, that I don't thrive on the sadness of the war situation, that I pick up the phone without thinking for a second about how much it would cost to call someone, how I send gifts to people when I think about them, when I go to weddings of people I know even if they live far away, how I am constantly thinking about how I can make someone's situation better. What is the alternative, I must think there is no hope, I must think I don't have any power, I must think that I am only one person in this world with little resources, just writing these phrases makes me ill. I better put on my Anthony Robbins Tapes right away, Thank God for him, Thank God for someone who will not accept mediocrity, that would not accept less than the best and does his best everyday to continue to help people.
I love being rich in resources, rich in ideas, I love being rich with hope, the only sad thing is that most people aren't like this. I have found VERY few people that share my hope, my vision or my desire to affect this world in a very powerful way. I have found people that mostly want to put down my dreams, people who are jealous of my dreams, people who are angry at my dreams, people who want to judge me and hurl the term "idealist" at me. I hope to be an "idealist" full of raging, volcano like ideas until I am 100 years old.
I love myself. I only wish I had the energy to complete the beautiful dreams that I have. The frustration for me is to find the right partner in crime whether in a family member, a friend or a boyfriend. Many have been in AWE of me, but few have been willing to jump on-board and combine our gifts to make something even better. Most are happy to stay in the drudgery, in the problems of the everyday, to stay in a place of a slave, to stay in the place of disbelief of the beauty and possibility of the future as it could quickly unfold with the vision that we first create in our minds, as well with the vision that was given to us by God, that many don't even stop to consider.
I feel better now but I have to ask myself, who can I share this with? Who won't be offended? Who won't think "Who does she think she is?". She thinks she is spectacular and that any minute now she will manage to pull all of her resources together.
Friday, July 6, 2007
Friday, May 4, 2007
I tried going out again
Anyone who knows me knows that I don't give up. I always do what I say I am going to do. I don't want to give up on the idea of going out, just because it hasn't been great so far. So I went out again. Tonight I got one of those great calls where your friends in the theater calls you at the last minute to see a free show because they know the stage manager. I love those calls. I have seen so many free shows in the city, just because I paid my dues for many years in the theater myself.
The call comes and I have 40 minutes to get ready, good thing the show is across the street. Yeah I live in a campground size space, but I am in the best location of the city. Free Broadway is always a good thing, even if this show for me was awful. Okay so if I am being honest, for me it sucked, okay, like I thought I was in a small town watching a show someone put together yesterday. Okay maybe there are shows that are fluffy like this to distract us from the WAR. Maybe that is why they put together a show about Spelling. It was so bizarre. Yes there was an amazing singer but I would have preferred to see her in a one woman show. Yes all the actors were totally committed to this piece, but the piece left something to be desired. To be honest I had wanted to go to Dixie's Tupperware show, a one woman comedy show that turns into a real Tupperware party, but since I couldn't convince anyone to go, I ended up at the free Spelling show. Right now all I can think about is tomorrow when I will go to Dixie's Tupperware Party. I can hear those burping containers already.
The good news in all to this, is afterwards my friend and I went and had some food at Thalia. It was packed and it was the perfect atmospher to have. I felt like I was in my own dream living room. Good looking people, pretty good food and conversation. Oh how I miss conversation.
The best thing in the world about having friends, I think, is conversation. The Lost Art of Conversation is a book I think. I always wanted to get that book. I feel Americans have lost the art of conversation. We are such a pragmatic soceity that we have forgotten to take the time to really get to know each other. Tonight I took the time to get to know my friend better and it was time well spent. So yes, tonight I was glad to go out, but did I mention that there were any men around, because there weren't any and it was much more pleasant that way.
The call comes and I have 40 minutes to get ready, good thing the show is across the street. Yeah I live in a campground size space, but I am in the best location of the city. Free Broadway is always a good thing, even if this show for me was awful. Okay so if I am being honest, for me it sucked, okay, like I thought I was in a small town watching a show someone put together yesterday. Okay maybe there are shows that are fluffy like this to distract us from the WAR. Maybe that is why they put together a show about Spelling. It was so bizarre. Yes there was an amazing singer but I would have preferred to see her in a one woman show. Yes all the actors were totally committed to this piece, but the piece left something to be desired. To be honest I had wanted to go to Dixie's Tupperware show, a one woman comedy show that turns into a real Tupperware party, but since I couldn't convince anyone to go, I ended up at the free Spelling show. Right now all I can think about is tomorrow when I will go to Dixie's Tupperware Party. I can hear those burping containers already.
The good news in all to this, is afterwards my friend and I went and had some food at Thalia. It was packed and it was the perfect atmospher to have. I felt like I was in my own dream living room. Good looking people, pretty good food and conversation. Oh how I miss conversation.
The best thing in the world about having friends, I think, is conversation. The Lost Art of Conversation is a book I think. I always wanted to get that book. I feel Americans have lost the art of conversation. We are such a pragmatic soceity that we have forgotten to take the time to really get to know each other. Tonight I took the time to get to know my friend better and it was time well spent. So yes, tonight I was glad to go out, but did I mention that there were any men around, because there weren't any and it was much more pleasant that way.
So yes the question still is "Why do I go out?"
So the day after I had this week of wondering why I leave my house. In my house I have fascinating books and ideas for games I want to create, jewelry I can make and greeting cards I could make with my pictures around the world; so why would I ever want to leave. But I went out again and I went to one of my favorite coffee places where for the cost of one iced coffee you can stay there for 10 hours.
While at the coffee place I met a woman that appeared to be homeless, however she assured me that I could hire her as my publicist and I would have great success. Today I was happy that I ventured forth because I talked with her. It was obvious that she was lonely. It was obvious that she didn't feel she had any hope left and I was there to talk to. I did my best to encourage her but I think was most important, is not what I said, but that I saw her and we engaged in a conversation. That was a reason to leave my house.
While sitting there I gave some promotional companies to a man who said he had a friend in need. I was happy to do that as well. The Resource Girl is still more resourceful outside of the house than inside. That I think is the moral of my story. Inside my house, I grow, I get excited (I currently have a communication game for couples in the works) but outside I encourage and can share what I am learning.
While at the coffee place I met a woman that appeared to be homeless, however she assured me that I could hire her as my publicist and I would have great success. Today I was happy that I ventured forth because I talked with her. It was obvious that she was lonely. It was obvious that she didn't feel she had any hope left and I was there to talk to. I did my best to encourage her but I think was most important, is not what I said, but that I saw her and we engaged in a conversation. That was a reason to leave my house.
While sitting there I gave some promotional companies to a man who said he had a friend in need. I was happy to do that as well. The Resource Girl is still more resourceful outside of the house than inside. That I think is the moral of my story. Inside my house, I grow, I get excited (I currently have a communication game for couples in the works) but outside I encourage and can share what I am learning.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Why do I go out??
Living in New York isn't easy and my mother is always telling me to get out more. I have always been so focused on my career choices that I always considered going out to be an utter waste of time. If I am not learning something new then why bother. If it is not creating a brighter future for myself or for people that I know, then why waste the time or the money.
However I decided to take my mother's advice and recently I allowed myself to go out and to see what people are doing.
I have to be honest, I was disgusted. Yes, utterly and thoroughly disgusted with what I found. First of all I met some really beautiful women that are always trying to create something and who are always dressing right out of your favorite fashion mag, but for the men. Mm..here I go.
In the first 3 to 4 minutes of any conversation I am quick to point out that I have a boyfriend. Yes I have a boyfriend. I have been dating someone seriously for 1 year. I am happy about that. Yes it is a long-term relationship and it has it's obstacles but I am still happy about that. Maybe that is not a good thing because it is quickly told to be repeatedly. He is Italian. He lives in Italy. He is screwing everything that walks. He can't be trusted. No man can be trusted. Great! But then after they have left him they begin to go into their own issues of being a man, and generally speaking not being able to be trusted.
Outing Number One: So I find myself in a party where the last sin in this city is still permitted and I meet a guy, who will remain nameless, who does go into the "You can never trust a man speech, that many men are having openly these days" and then he tells me. I know I will never be faithful and I want to be honest with my wife. After 20 years of marriage things will get boring but you know what, I don't care who she F----s because that's all that it will be. I will never throw away our history, our love or our family just because she has decided to get our her animal magnetism or charisma or needs with someone else. It's just a F---! He continued to shower me with these comments as he did shower with me his own spit.
Outing Number Two: Knowing a millionaire should have it's perks right? Someone to buy you dinner at your favorite restaurant or maybe he has a country home for a summer BBQ. However while talking with my acquaintance one day he decided to share with me that he lets all his friends come over and use his bed to screw their girls because his apartment is a central location. We have rarely talked, even though we see each other in the bar we frequent, and yet the only thing he could talk about was that. He also told me that hotels in NYC, some of them rent by the hour. Great! I have seen enough TV to figure that out, but why was he sharing this information. No I didn't feel it was a come on, but I kept wondering when you are this wealthy doesn't this give you access to the richness this world has to offer, like maybe the newest spa treatment? or the latest technology? or maybe just a really cool trip you have taken on your private jet?
Outing Number Three: I have a friend who has some rich friends. They have time on their hands to be out in the middle of the night. Having been so sick, I couldn't take staying in my bed another day, another minute, so I went out with them. They are middle aged men. One having been married and the other night. They seem nice enough but things go ary (spelling?) when I share that I have a boyfriend and that I am happy with him. No he is not rich. But I have never dated for money. These men may have been rich, but they were not rich in ettiquette. They had their hands all over me and made it clear to me that I should leave my boyfriend, who is currently in the garden section of a Home Depot type store, and be with them. But the question is why would I leave my boyfriend for people who don't have the courtesy to keep their hands off a women that is happily spoken for by a very hot lawn mower selling man (I have always wanted a garden and he is learning how to take care of plants right now) and both are known to drink and drink and drink. If I were a millionaire, I would spend my money on spa treatments, adopt a kid and other useful things like colonics (more on that in another blog). Why do they waste their time spending it on drinking. If they have the SECRET to success then why are they drowing in their SORROWS. Something really doesn't match up here. Anyway, disgusted I returned home, oh and to add insult to injury the guy who was interested in my friend, asked me out in front of her! but I returned home and called to hear the sweet voice of my Italian man who loves me and is being faithful.
However I decided to take my mother's advice and recently I allowed myself to go out and to see what people are doing.
I have to be honest, I was disgusted. Yes, utterly and thoroughly disgusted with what I found. First of all I met some really beautiful women that are always trying to create something and who are always dressing right out of your favorite fashion mag, but for the men. Mm..here I go.
In the first 3 to 4 minutes of any conversation I am quick to point out that I have a boyfriend. Yes I have a boyfriend. I have been dating someone seriously for 1 year. I am happy about that. Yes it is a long-term relationship and it has it's obstacles but I am still happy about that. Maybe that is not a good thing because it is quickly told to be repeatedly. He is Italian. He lives in Italy. He is screwing everything that walks. He can't be trusted. No man can be trusted. Great! But then after they have left him they begin to go into their own issues of being a man, and generally speaking not being able to be trusted.
Outing Number One: So I find myself in a party where the last sin in this city is still permitted and I meet a guy, who will remain nameless, who does go into the "You can never trust a man speech, that many men are having openly these days" and then he tells me. I know I will never be faithful and I want to be honest with my wife. After 20 years of marriage things will get boring but you know what, I don't care who she F----s because that's all that it will be. I will never throw away our history, our love or our family just because she has decided to get our her animal magnetism or charisma or needs with someone else. It's just a F---! He continued to shower me with these comments as he did shower with me his own spit.
Outing Number Two: Knowing a millionaire should have it's perks right? Someone to buy you dinner at your favorite restaurant or maybe he has a country home for a summer BBQ. However while talking with my acquaintance one day he decided to share with me that he lets all his friends come over and use his bed to screw their girls because his apartment is a central location. We have rarely talked, even though we see each other in the bar we frequent, and yet the only thing he could talk about was that. He also told me that hotels in NYC, some of them rent by the hour. Great! I have seen enough TV to figure that out, but why was he sharing this information. No I didn't feel it was a come on, but I kept wondering when you are this wealthy doesn't this give you access to the richness this world has to offer, like maybe the newest spa treatment? or the latest technology? or maybe just a really cool trip you have taken on your private jet?
Outing Number Three: I have a friend who has some rich friends. They have time on their hands to be out in the middle of the night. Having been so sick, I couldn't take staying in my bed another day, another minute, so I went out with them. They are middle aged men. One having been married and the other night. They seem nice enough but things go ary (spelling?) when I share that I have a boyfriend and that I am happy with him. No he is not rich. But I have never dated for money. These men may have been rich, but they were not rich in ettiquette. They had their hands all over me and made it clear to me that I should leave my boyfriend, who is currently in the garden section of a Home Depot type store, and be with them. But the question is why would I leave my boyfriend for people who don't have the courtesy to keep their hands off a women that is happily spoken for by a very hot lawn mower selling man (I have always wanted a garden and he is learning how to take care of plants right now) and both are known to drink and drink and drink. If I were a millionaire, I would spend my money on spa treatments, adopt a kid and other useful things like colonics (more on that in another blog). Why do they waste their time spending it on drinking. If they have the SECRET to success then why are they drowing in their SORROWS. Something really doesn't match up here. Anyway, disgusted I returned home, oh and to add insult to injury the guy who was interested in my friend, asked me out in front of her! but I returned home and called to hear the sweet voice of my Italian man who loves me and is being faithful.
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