I am still leaving the house, but what I do find?

Okay so I have managed to go out of the house and not get angry but I am still not enthusiastic about personal relationships that happen in NYC. I can't really go into detail but I can only say that after 14 years of living here, I have tried all that I can.

I have tried dressing nicer for friends that need fancy clothes. I have tried to talk less. I have tried to consider people's belief systems and not immediately share my own. I have tried to invite people over for dinner. I have tried to invite people to events. I have always tried to make everyone feel welcome and not favor any one type of person. I have been myself and been rejected. It's wierd really the whole thing. But you know what right now I have a decision to make and in reality I have already made the decision in action.

I would rather be alone or with a few chosen people that have a ton of people around. I have found that for some mysterious reason the ability to juggle a million things gets a bit more difficult when you are old. It's not like I am ancient but for some reason I am doing better concentrating on only one thing right now, instead of trying to concentrate on a million things and the same goes for people.

I have noticed that I am very picky about my friends and I really only let a few people in. The reason I think is when people get close to you, they know you very well and unfortunately I have seen people use that information against you in strange ways. I have noticed women in their incessant jealous and caddy ways, accuse me of things I couldn't even imagine.

People constantly tell me that I am naive, that I am too pure in my thinking, that I want to save the world and they constantly say this as if it is something bad. The truth is, yes I have lived and I have chosen to be sheltered. I like the idea I don't seek out disgusting movies, that I don't thrive on the sadness of the war situation, that I pick up the phone without thinking for a second about how much it would cost to call someone, how I send gifts to people when I think about them, when I go to weddings of people I know even if they live far away, how I am constantly thinking about how I can make someone's situation better. What is the alternative, I must think there is no hope, I must think I don't have any power, I must think that I am only one person in this world with little resources, just writing these phrases makes me ill. I better put on my Anthony Robbins Tapes right away, Thank God for him, Thank God for someone who will not accept mediocrity, that would not accept less than the best and does his best everyday to continue to help people.

I love being rich in resources, rich in ideas, I love being rich with hope, the only sad thing is that most people aren't like this. I have found VERY few people that share my hope, my vision or my desire to affect this world in a very powerful way. I have found people that mostly want to put down my dreams, people who are jealous of my dreams, people who are angry at my dreams, people who want to judge me and hurl the term "idealist" at me. I hope to be an "idealist" full of raging, volcano like ideas until I am 100 years old.

I love myself. I only wish I had the energy to complete the beautiful dreams that I have. The frustration for me is to find the right partner in crime whether in a family member, a friend or a boyfriend. Many have been in AWE of me, but few have been willing to jump on-board and combine our gifts to make something even better. Most are happy to stay in the drudgery, in the problems of the everyday, to stay in a place of a slave, to stay in the place of disbelief of the beauty and possibility of the future as it could quickly unfold with the vision that we first create in our minds, as well with the vision that was given to us by God, that many don't even stop to consider.

I feel better now but I have to ask myself, who can I share this with? Who won't be offended? Who won't think "Who does she think she is?". She thinks she is spectacular and that any minute now she will manage to pull all of her resources together.